Boss-themed comic this week. If you are a boss who is reading it, don’t be angry. This is about all those OTHER bosses.
Here’s that interview i mentioned last month, the reciprocal of my interview with Tom Foolery of this comic here. Now it’s his turn to ask me strange, meandering questions and get even stranger, meanderinger answers.
In conversation with Some Idiot Who is Doing Comix (slightly more glamorous than doing smack in a drainage ditch)
[Noted Journalist Tom Foolery appears in italics, Mr. Rowntree in regular text]
Boots or sandals?
He wastes no time! boots. Shitkickers, to be exact
Paper or burning sheep?
let’s go with paper on this one, Bob
Zombies or Vampires?
Wempires. They drink ginger ale. Seriously, google it.
Testicular nightmare or acne vulcanism?
at least you didn’t say “testicular vulcanism”
Okay, take it easy there Bob. Don’t douche out on me now.
Ahem, quite. And now for the nitty and the gritty. The highly observant weasel who lives in my head wishes to know what kind of mushroom you would shove down your trousers if you were stuck in a strictly ‘I-must-shove-some-kind-of-fungus-down-my-trousers’ situation. What I would like to know however is why did you choose a Sphynx in your infamous Subnormality comix and not some other mythological creature?
Well, there was pressure from the beginning. Back when i was still doing comic book conventions, i’m sitting there in some godforsaken convention centre and the Sphynx comes up to my table and is all like “How come there are never any monsters in your comics? Don’t you think that’s kind of ignorant?” I quickly and enthusiastically agreed, and the rest is history.
No enough of all that. What is it with those uncultured swine who say your comix are too wordy? Why are they so wordy in fact? What possible good reason could you give me? How in the hell and high water could you justify such INSANITY???
I am a bad man. Either that or I think that a weekly comic should take more than three seconds to read, since you have to wait a week for it. That’s at least part of it, though it’s not quite as contrived as that. I tell my brain “write some comics” and the wordiness is what i get. A lot of people like to hit me with the old “brevity is the soul of wit,” but to that I would say generalizations are the soul of subjectivity. I like 7-minute songs and i like three hour movies and i like writing and i like words and i like laughing at people
who proudly declare that they can’t be bothered to read a 400-word comic.
What is you philosophical stance on life (written backwards, so as to excite the Da Vinci in me).
.dne eht yb tuo derugif ti evah ot si efil fo gninaem ehT
Is the bird, in fact ‘the word’?
The bird is indeed the word. Cats, Dogs, fish–these are all passe. The bird is the finest and longest-lived house pet, though 24hr caging is unacceptable so don’t do it. Magpies can recognize themselves in a mirror, which is better than some people can manage.
Now an easy slice of rubbish. Do you have a favourite super-hero/ine and if so, please tell us, the eager multitudes, who he or she is!
Yeah, i like super mikey-man, from some ultra-obscure indie comic i got out of a 25cent bin. Criminals announced they had stolen the moon, but they had really just painted it black with stars on it so it blended in with the background, and then mikey-man had to scub off all the paint. He worked with Comissioner Gorgon, which is so bad it’s good. I wish i was making all this up because it’s classic.
I can no longer see in colour. Is this your doing?
Yes, but it was supposed to happen so gradually that you wouldn’t notice. I’m not sure where i went wrong.
How do you colour in you comix? Or, to be more generic (or precise, whichever floats your tank) what are the main stages in the production of a subnormality comic? Do you do it all on the computing box or do you use your hands and feet like monkeys?
What good is this floating tank, bobbing up and down in the high tide as it is helplessly machinegunned by nearby pillboxes? What you need is a submerged tank with one of those towers coming out of the turret so only the operator can be helplessly machinegunned. What was the question? Oh yeah, the process is pencils–>pens–>scanner–>Paint Shop Pro X–>website. More specifically that’s 2H leads–>Pigma Microns/Pitt Artist Pens–>600dpi/169 threshold adjustment–>Kompozer. Digital coloring is great because of the infinite margin of error. I can sit there trying different colors until i find one that works, which can take a while on an off day. Okay, they’re all off days.
Do you believe in the Pope’s imaginary friend, also known as God?
The bible has too many words, so i didn’t read it. Luckily this was the right decision. If atheism was pickles, I would be Enormous Jar of Pickles Swimming in Dill Man. (bonus fact: If shitty rock music was pickles, it would be Brine Adams) (bonus bonus fact: the preceding “joke” was a desperate cry for help. For god’s sake, somebody do something!!)
My face has just melted. Is this your doing?
No, but i’ll take credit for it. The pan-teletextual face melter is supposed to be years away from completion, so my hat’s off to whoever is responsible.
How come people only care about brains after they’re zombified? The living, they’re all walking around going BREAAAAAAAASTS and ASSSSSSSSSSSSSS and MONEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY and BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEVITY!!!
If the world were to suddenly end, or if humanity were to suddenly contract some horrible disease extrapolated from a highly unstable mutant germ, like the one I am currently holding safely contained within this flimsy wet paper bag suspended over your head, what animal would you rathertake over planet earth in humanity’s place?
Are not the raccoons poised to seize the crown? Do they not lie beneath our ugly back decks, watching, waiting, determining our weaknesses and who among us contains the best rump roast. This may go without saying, but i for one welcome our new ring-tailed overlords.
This interview is over! Or is it?
Not by a longshot! Let me tell you a murderously long and repetitive anecdote about the time i left a bag of groceries at the grocery store, and then i had to go back to the grocery store to get my grocery bag with groceries in it because i needed some of the groceries for dinner that night, so anyway, when i got to the grocery store, i asked the grocery clerk about my bag of groceries and the grocery clerk said that i should go to the grocery store office and ask the grocery store manager about my missing bag of groceries, so then i
went to the grocery store manager’s office at the front of the grocery store and the grocery store manager said that he hadn’t seen my bag of groceries anywhere in the grocery store but if he or any of the other grocery store employees did happen to see my bag of groceries then, as the grocery store manager, he would be duty-bound to call me and inform my that i could come down to the grocery store and claim my [at this point Mr. Rowntree was wrestled away from the keyboard by a press gang and is currently being forced to peel potatoes in the hold of a cargo ship as it ferries containers of stolen luxury SUVs between Vancouver and Russia. Upon his return, he looks forward to resuming the above story, as well as his weekly comic strip]